I woke up early, but only because I was a slightly paranoid I’d sleep past a zoom call with a therapist/coach. No iPhone means no alarm.
The call was a 30 minute intro/consult chat. I actually found her on Instagram, of all places. Her reels caught my attention and I immediately looked her up. She has a therapy background (as an art therapist) but is no longer in practice. I sensed she has the language and expertise with complex issues like narcissism. Well, not merely sensing, she does have expertise. She’s worked with clients for a good amount of years, both as a therapist and coach, in dealing with narc abuse.
Even though the zoom was 30 minutes, she was able put words to my ramblings. For instance, feeling like I’m totally out of the fog and just SO AWARE of everything.
Which is a burden in and of itself. Actually it’s the thing I can’t handle right now. The awareness, no longer denying what’s always been there. There’s something about that fog that is oddly and twistingly comforting. I get why people hang out there.
Another thing she said about her practice: “I have strong feelings in how to deal with this kind of work”. So I asked ok, can you tell me what that looks like? Her response: “well, I’m a very compassionate person, I don’t want to dehumanize others, but this work necessitates you putting the “abuser” in a box and setting it over there, in that corner. All that compassion and empathy needs to be redirected back to you”.
Which, thank god, because I’m not in the mood for “but they’re your parent” or “they did their best” or “nobody’s perfect” or “you need to accept them for who they are”. All of these hollow placations and platitudes have been what’s kept me stuck in the mud, gaslighting and loathing myself for years.
I’m in a big “fuck that” mood these days.