I decided I’m going to prioritize peace. There’s a lot in my life currently competing for attention, however today I might have snapped just a little. After sitting in the most ridiculous traffic, choking on exhaust and dripping sweat, I decided it’s just not worth it to go into town “just because”. Which is sad because my favorite iced latte in in town. It’s cold, roasty and creamy. Sigh…
Two years ago I could hop on my scooter and make short-burst trips without a lot of hassle, try out coffee at this place, what about the pastries at that place. What used to be fun is now an outright battle. Which is depressing because…humanity and unsustainable tourism.
I don’t know why I’m fussing. I think I’m just having a hard time with change, coupled with a severe case of nostalgia.
What is peace to me? Good question. Last night I watched the sunset whilst munching on a piece of raw chocolate. That was nice. Or watching a PBS series without scrolling on my phone. Spacious mornings that involve waking up early, brewing my pour over, settling in for the first sip of goodness.
Wow, I’m sitting here actually thinking deeply about peace. I’m thinking about how going no contact with certain family members two years ago have simultaneously brought me peace, but also a huge helping of deep-seated grief. But it’s taken me these two years to sort through the wreckage and get clear-eyed on who I am, where I’m going and how to move forward.
And I’m really fucking angry about those two years. It feels like that time was stolen from me. I could have those years building something. But instead I was forced to yet unpack more family bullshit, process my emotions, plus the feelings of my shut down, emotionally immature family members who refuse to self-reflect or repair ruptures.
Two years ago I was on an intimate basis with joy. It wasn’t this wildly ecstatic state of being, but a subtle wonder and joy about the world. Even if I was having a bad day, I it was easy to return equilibrium. For someone who suffers from chronic depression most of their adult life, let me tell you it was like my brain finally exhaled. Every morning I woke up and thought “what do the clouds look like this morning?”
It was pretty extraordinary….
I worked really goddamn hard for that peace and joy. I repaired my fractured nervous system after years of trauma. I felt stable and resilient.
And someone saw a loose thread and decided to give it a big yank and unravel everything. Purposely. That’s what I can’t get over. It was done with great satisfaction and malice, just because they were miserable. That yank sent me fleeing and scrambling, reacting. Which, I’m a cat, I always land on my feet. Things worked out, but I wouldn’t say anything about it was strategic.
Some days I blame them, most days I blame myself.
So yeah….peace.