Woke up at 5:30am to a neighbor hammering something, because what a great time to hammer something. Now I’m awake. I ambled downstairs, filled up the kettle and set it to boil. I’m a teensy extra excited for coffee this morning because I treated myself to some fresh grass-fed milk. This may sound obvious, but this milk tastes like MILK. Gently pasteurized, a fresh aftertaste and most importantly, creamy. My pour over game is now slightly elevated.
I’m slowly decompressing from the last 2 months. Or 2 years, depending on what we’re talking about. Last month was a little horrible. Let’s just say I touched some scary depths, and without going into details, I course-corrected and slowly working my way out of the darkness.
And I have issues with this. I’m angry about it. It feels like the 17th time in 12 years that I’ve climbed out of multiple darknesses. I’m wondering if I’ve maxed out my lifetime quota of dark nights of the soul because I’m exhausted. I think this is why I hit a wall this month. There comes a point where I can do so much I can do on my own.
Which brings me to Mission Find a Therapist.
There is a local trauma therapist with a good reputation, but a full assessment is $200. Not ruling it out, but putting a pin in that for a hot minute.
I’m at a point where I need to start walking forward again. There’s stuff to unpack for sure, but I’ve already done quite a bit of heavy lifting over the years.
I know my story.
The problem is I’m still holding everything, carrying the weight of the knowledge I’ve accumulated over the years. And I’m totally paralyzed. I’m not averse to working with coaches, but I need someone who can tackle my stuff. I do not respond well to oversimplifications of complex trauma issues or spiritual bypassing of any kind.
Actually I think erratic coaching, combined a handful of “intuitive coaches” have left a few scars. Let’s be honest I wanted quick fixes to problems that were deep rooted.
Having said that, I did find a coach with a therapist background who specializes in narcissistic wounding. So basically recovering from narc abuse. Which right now, is my shit pickle. There are a lot of peripheral issues that come along with this, but I watched some of her instagram reels and I liked what she had to say. So I have a consult tomorrow morning.
WAIT THIS WHOLE POST WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HOW I NAPPED TODAY.
After enjoying two cups of creamy coffee, I decided I wanted to read my book. My phone died yesterday and it’s currently in the iPhone hospital. Which thank god, because I’ve been way too addicted to scrolling these last 2 months (see paralyzed and shut down issues above).
After enjoying two cups of creamy coffee, I decided I wanted to read my book. My phone died yesterday and it’s currently in the iPhone hospital. Which thank god, because I’ve been way too addicted to scrolling these last 2 months (see paralyzed and shut down issues above).
I crawled back into bed and opened my kindle and read. The breeze was warm and soft and I felt myself crashing from the coffee. I put the kindle down, rolled over and closed my eyes.